Jackie_Snape80's Journal

Jackie_Snape80's Profile | Weight History

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07 June 2011

I finally hit 1,200 calories! Well, as long as I finish my cereal(carefully proportioned, of course) I'm really scared, but this is supposed to be a good thing...I hope.

I weighed 137(all time low!) when I went in to the doctor's this morning, yet 142 when I checked the scale at my mom's fiance's mom's house(yeah, that's not confusing or anything) The scale really does play tricks with your body/mind. I'm not sure what to think...what I really weigh now. I just guessed at around 139 to be safe. I know this proves that I'm not in immediate danger of gaining...much less going back to my near 190 lbs. Still,I guess it's true what this anorexia book said - "Paradoxically, losing weight can make the fear of gaining even worse"

I truly belive this. In fact, this fear is probably what led to this...issue. With every little bit of weight lost I wanted to do more. I wanted to go further, eat less, move more, eat less, cut these foods out, eat less until I got where I am now. At my "goal" weight, but terrified of food, terrified of gaining an ounce. I live every moment in worry of food. When I look at it I see numbers...not actual substance. But, I'm getting better. My mom's being here for me and my bf is giving me the best support I could ask for. My counselor is helping me take care of the emotional causes and roots of this issue as well. I hope things can get better. ^_^

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07 June 2011

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
63.0 kg	13.2 kg	0 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 1.0 kg a Week

29 May 2011

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
64.3 kg	11.9 kg	0.8 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 0.3 kg a Week

27 May 2011

Wow, it's been a while since I've checked FS... Yeah, stuff been going on I guess. A lot of ups and downs with my food/eating issues. I'm trying to get back up there. I'm apparently supposed to be burning between 1600-1900 at a sedentary level...yikes! I've been past 1000 for 2 days now. I feel horrible about it, but I know(logically) that it's a good thing for me.

I'm loving doing workouts and walks on my own time. I usually do about a 50 minute workout routine everyday(unless I'm really sore or something) I start out with two songs of cardio/aerobic type activity(jumping jacks,jump rope, jogging in place, butt kicks, and boxer's shuffles) then about two songs worth of weight lifting(bicep curls, deadlifts, squat drops) and two songs of abs(situps with and w/o weights, crunches, planks). Then I do one cardio song, and repeat the weights and abs with a song just for leg work thrown in. I think that sounds like a good plan to me. Plus I try to stay on my feet a fair amount as well. I take 40-60 min walks a few times a week, clean up around the house, cook all my own food(yay!) and stuff for my family as well as experiment with foods.

The counseling seems to be going alright. My fourth appointment is next Wednesday, so we'll see how it goes. I've talked a great deal about why I do what I do and some of the reasons that may have caused them. It seems to help; I feel a bit lighter afterwards and somewhat silly in a way. It's going to take a while for me to really change how I feel about food and eating and everything else. I'm still having days where I'll and spit constantly. It will be food that I can't eat(usually stuff that no one else is eating either) like leftover holiday candy, bread, cookies that no one will eat, and other things. I still purge on occasion, but I'm reigning it in. I hate the feeling of being full, and I love the feeling of disposing of my food, but it's not good...not at all.

I hope everyone else has been doing great, it seems to be a bit of great and ok(from what I've glanced at). Good luck you guys! ^_^

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12 May 2011

So much stuff going on now, and not in a good way...at all How could this have happened? I thought it wouldn't, I was told it wouldn't. I've gained 3 pounds. I was 144 on may 5, now I've 147 point something. I've cut my food intake, and I've been trying to walk whenever I can...yet I've gained 3 pounds. What's wrong with me? WHy can I never seem to do anything right?

I got weighed while gynecologist's office...I also happened to pass out after I got my examination/tests. I guess I was so worked up and nervous at the thought of anything going on down there, plus he said that sometimes it may cause a patients heart rate to drop. I mean, I almost freakin' cried twice just worrying about the test thingy. Idk, I'm such a wuss. I mean, I've never even tried a tampon, and I passed out after an examination...really?

I also found out that my Nana has passed way... It's awful. I don't have much to say, because I can't really explain who she was to me as a little girl growing up, and how upset I am that she's gone and I never got to visit and right the wrongs that my dad did. It's like another part of my childhood has slipped away from me...a part that I can never get back. The last thing there was for me in my hometown is gone...forever.

I got my license today. Bittersweetness at it's finest I guess. A big part of why I wanted to get my license and a job was so I could save up to drive upand visit my Nana. I wanted to see her...to let her know that she hasn't been forgotten or abandoned. I had no way of contacting her because of where she was staying. I wish things could have been different. it's hard not to blame my dad for this estrangement. I'm going to try though, for her sake

I'm probably just going to start starving myself again. I simply don;t care right now. I'm not going to gain anymore weight, I refuse to allow that to happen. And frankly, I just can't bring myself to care about the effects...not right now. I can't even brings myself to give a shit about the fact that I, apparently, got straight 'A's this past semester...that's how much I just don't care. I want to not worry about anything anymore...I can't take it.

For whoever reads this, I apologize. I didn't mean to get upset. I thought I had bottled up these feelings earlier today. I'm getting a headache trying to keep from crying, actually... Oh well. I had to vent, and I have no where to go to talk about this. Thank you and good night....

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