JulofDenial's Journal

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05 September 2011

I still have a mountain to climb, but the weather is promising some outdoor opportunities this week ahead. Love the sun and the cool breeze combined! Sweet! It compensates for the low energy I'm feeling as everybody else plans nothing today. A long drive up to the river and a ride across the ferry would have been wonderful.

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
50.3 kg	0.7 kg	5.4 kg	Reasonably Well

(2 comments) Losing 0.8 kg a Week

02 September 2011

There's nothing in the world worse than looking at your nude body in the mirror and seeing the effects of a year of neglect and emotional eating. I was so disgusted that I started crying. I felt angry with myself for being weak-minded all year, for allowing others' unhealthy habits to influence my decisions as far as how I spend my time, how much I exercise, what I eat, what I drink, how much abuse my body can sustain. I'm just grateful that I finally put a stop to it three days ago. I hate to admit that ego is what got me back on track. I hate to be reminded that there are better-looking bodies out there than mine. That's not a problem for me as long as *I* am proud of how I look, and that only happens when I weigh under 100lbs. and have been working out consistently to show muscle and definition. When I can run or walk several miles and play tennis well.

When I read Facebook posts, I'm equally disgusted by the many egos seeking validation by posting pics of their bodies clad in bikinis and other casual wear. They are obviously overcompensating. You know what is the difference between them and me? I don't seek out other people's validation of my body. *I* alone am judge of my appearance. I have never held in high regard anyone's charge or reassurance that I'm not overweight/obese/fat. There are finer points one could argue (like points about one's level of fitness, but that's outside most people's league or interest) but people like to keep things generic. I don't blame them. Who wants to face reality if illusion is available? And when it's available, it's preferable.

So here I am on day 3 of my resolve to get this abomination called fat shrunken on my gut, hips, thighs, ass, chest...every moment that I exercise feels like it's going to take me an eternity to approach the level of fitness and slenderness I had achieved in late 2009/early 2010. What happened to me? I got comfortable in my discomfort? I've been madly in love and that justifies not taking care to look and feel healthy/confident/successful?

I was briefly on Facebook last evening and a recent divorcee had posted a pic of herself in a bikini as she stood by her above-ground pool. She tends to do that regularly, I noticed, passively seeking out attention and reassurance that she's, what? Still desirable? I bet her ex cheated on her. She has a good set of stomach muscles and I asked her if she worked out. She said that she hardly does, that she just stays active and takes a lot of herbal/vitamin supplements, which is her business. She didn't take the conversation anywhere and in fact, didn't engage, as an intelligent person would do. Stupid people with too much ego...that will be the cause of humanity's destruction in this age. They have no knowledge of, or belief in God. Let them die of their own self-destruction, but God have mercy.

So 95 is my goal again. I could hope that I won't feel the need to get that thin, but knowing myself well, there's no alternative. Two-digit numbers are prettier than three-digit numbers, especially when it comes to weight, temperature, prices, waiting time, and days before you get paid. LOL Call it OCD, call it all-or-nothingness, call it unhealthy. It is what it is. I know lots of thin people who are strong and fit. It's a matter of what you put in your body and what activities you do for your body. I will try not to obsess as I progress. But it's hard not to when determination kicks in. So be it.

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29 August 2011

A ways to go but I'm feeling slimmer and in control (mostly) again. I decided that I'm tired of feeling frumpy and insecure when I'm out in public. It's time, once again, to unleash my sexy, confident, athletic self. But oh, the urge to pig out is still there! I wish I had REAL friends I could call for support when I feel like seriously pigging out. But when your mind and body are saying, "We want tasty, creamy, salty foods for comfort, how do you convince them that you really just want to talk to someone?? It's NOT the same thing and never will be. Talking doesn't get you high on sugar/carbs/great-tasting food!

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
51.2 kg	0 kg	6.3 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 2.4 kg a Week

22 August 2011

I'm feeling horrible, horrible, disgusted. I cried, and that was even BEFORE I saw my weight. What a horrible position to be in after losing so much weight in the past. I weighed 90 lbs. last year and I went and put it back on. Not even close to all of it, but enough that I feel terribly set back. I will arrive at 95 lbs. again, by October 31, 2011 - or face grave humiliation!

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
53.5 kg	0 kg	8.6 kg	Poorly

Add Comment Gaining 4.1 kg a Week

15 August 2011

I've been on antibiotics for the past week, feeling miserable. I haven't been able to drink, smoke, have sex or exercise. Guess what the only "comfort" has been? Well, there are calories involved, if you couldn't guess. I allowed myself that much until I'm finished with the meds and misery. So, no feeling guilty, remorseful or otherwise.

I had started jumping rope a few days prior and was jumping 120+ times every hour during the day and evening when I was awake. I actually got sore and felt the soreness all over my arms, including my hamstrings, calves - and buttocks, I think. I really need to target all those areas listed, including my tummy.

BEFORE HALLOWEEN !!!!!!!!

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
49.4 kg	1.6 kg	4.5 kg	Poorly

Add Comment Losing 0.2 kg a Week

JulofDenial's Weight History

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