esimnons's Journal

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07 October 2011

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
81.6 kg	18.1 kg	13.6 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Gaining 3.2 kg a Week

06 October 2011

It is another beautiful day here. I want to be outside so badly. But that is not to be today. I have to take my Grandmother to the Doctor this afternoon. Probably will not get much work done today and won't get to go outside and enjoy the weather. Bad day all around i guess.

WOE yesterday was bad too. I guess the fear that I have is working hard to throw me off corse. I did not eat anything bad for me but just had too many things that are not wonderful for me. Oh well today is another day.

I think part of my funk is that I miss my friends/coworkers. I am working from home and will be for another 2 weeks. that means that I don't have the people to talk with that I normally do. I am sitting here at my Grandmother's kitchen table typing and trying to work. I go home to a dirty house that I don't want to clean because my husband will just dirty it up again. He talks and we watch TV and then I go to sleep. Get up the next morning and he talks and I come back to town and sit here working. Dull. Not bad but dull. I miss my friends. I don't like the quiet. I need the stress of travel. Oh well - I will just read some of your journals and try to get out of this funk. :)

(1 comment)

05 October 2011

Fear- it is time to face it.

Throughout this journey, I have lived with the fear that I will not be able to keep the weight I was losing off. It happened to me at least a couple of times before when I was a low carber. it happened when i tried other weight loss methods. I obviously have never been successful long term or I would not have started this journey once again. My concern has been, what makes it different now? Why do I think I can keep it off now?

One thing that I did is I did not start to exercise. I thought that if i could lose to a certain weight with only food changes, then it would be a weight i could expect to keep and if I wanted to tone up or lose more, then i could do it. My thought was that i would never keep up the exerise for the rest of my life but I could eat low carb forever.

That was not my only fear - i was also afraid that i could not keep up the low carb eating forever. I was afraid i would slowly slip into bad habits. I was afraid that even with low carb, I would start to gain as soon as I was not on a perfect induction plan.

I am now very concerned that my fear was justified. I got on the Wii and had gained 2 pounds. I know I have not been perfect these past couple of weeks. I have not been close to perfect. I have not had the water, I drank diet sodas, eaten sugar free ice cream, eaten power bars type things that are low carb. basically, I have done several bad things. But I have not eaten anything that was not sugar free or low carb in some way. I have not had pizza or bread or real sugar or anything that in my mind is totally bad. Still I gained 2 pounds. I had more exercise this last weekend than normal and I still gained 2 pounds. I have been very good the last 2 days and still I gained 2 pounds (who knows what it would have been on Sunday). At this point, I am overcome with fear and anxiety. I want to cry and scream and roll up in a ball. i would have been fine if i had stayed the same but to gain 2 pounds seems to be a confirmation of my fear.

I know that I can not eat this way forever. I have to be able to eat sugar free things and low carb fruits. I have to be able to drink a diet soda. I can count my carbs forever and I can stay away from sugar forever. But can I stay under 20 net Carbs forever with no allowance for processed low carb stuff ..... I don't think so.

i feel as if all I have done is for nothing. I feel scared and alone because i know other people are having success and not gaining the weight back. Some can even lose when they eat Atkins products and more carbs than I do. I was fine with not being able to lose quickly. I was fine with not being able to lose with Atkins products. but I am not fine with gaining just because i had some sugar free things.

I do not mean to be so negative. I really am not unhappy. I am not depressed. I am however very concerned with this weight loss journey. I just am at my wits end with all this. I can not possibly think about food as much as I have been for the rest of my life. My life is busy, my job is stressful, my time and brain power is limited. i KNOW that I am not the only one with these limitations. I am not whining about how tough life is. I am not making excuses. I am however trying to be honest and realistic. I do care about myself and I care about my health. I do consider myself to be important enough to eat well and live a more healthy life. But performing well at my job and in my life is also part of me. These things are me putting me first as well.

UUUGGHGHGHG. please just disregard all this crap. I am sorry to even have put it down. but I consider journaling to be for the good times and the bad times. I guess this is just a really bad time. I know that 2 pounds is nothing to worry about. I know that I can get it off pretty easy and that it could just be a TOM fluctuation. I know all of this. I just feel as if this 2 pounds is a manifestation of my fear. I will get back to work and get over it.

(12 comments)

05 October 2011

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
80.7 kg	19.1 kg	12.7 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Gaining 0.4 kg a Week

04 October 2011

Again, it is a beautiful day!!! Plus my dear darling told me he loves me this moring!!!!!!!!!!!!! Yeah! Nothing can get me down today.

WOE was good yesterday. I did not eat off plan and feel good about my success. I even drank my water!!!!! Now I will do it again today.

Career is in a state of fluctuation. The Manager job I mentioned was filled yesterday. Another woman got it. I expected that she would so I was not overly upset. However, another Manager resigned yesterday. He gave his 2 week notice. That means, another Manager position is open. I know that there were only 4 people in contention for the first position and one said he did not want it. That means, it may be between me and someone else. Nobody in our organization thinks the other guy has a shot at it so it may be just me left. The thing is - I really want the job but they will make me move to Houston. I do not want to move. I have a life here and I love it. I love everything about it except the financial part. I could use the extra money and would love the new job. But again, I love my life here and don't want to leave. My relationship with my Husband is tenuous.... I don't want to lose him and being gone long term would not be good for us. Anyway, things are certainly uncertain career wise.

We are also supposed to have someone come discuss cutting our timber this afternoon. I am excited because we need it cleared and I need the money. But, I know nothing about how much to expect or what to expect about the deal. if you know anything about cutting timber or selling it, please let me know. I don't know if they are going to pay me a flat fee or if they are going to pay be by the ton or what to expect. It does not feel right to be totally uniformed about a business deal but that is what I am.

Hope today is a great day for everyone.

(2 comments)

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