esimnons's Journal

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17 August 2011

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
82.6 kg	17.2 kg	14.5 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 1.6 kg a Week

16 August 2011

How is it that a person's mood can go from really good to really bad in less than a 12 hour period??

Had words with my dear Darling last night. I wish that I believed him but I almost never do now. It seems that I am filled with so much doubt about his words and deeds that I find him lying all the time. I think that is really sad. Once a person starts lying, they tend to have to keep it up. I try so hard not to fall into that trap myself. I actually feel sorry for him. he would prefer to lie than tell the truth about just about everything. I can't think of anything he says that is not at least a stretch of the truth. So sad. And he wonders why I question things.... My reaction is to feel bad about the question, feel stupid for trying to believe him and feel used, inadequate, non-valued etc. What a crappy life I have made for myself.

We also got word from my Mother in Law. Soundes as if she will not make it much longer. They are taking her home today and Hospice will evaluate her again. The Sister in Law thinks she may be waiting to go home to die. Apparently she does not know people much anymore. The SIL told the horrible Dr that she was taking her home today and he turned around and left the room - did not come back. he had been trying to force feed MIL who cant swallow and even put potassium in her IV to strengthen her heart when she has a signed DNR and the family has said we want her to die peacefully. He is a true ASS if you want my opinion. Trying to milk medicare for all he can get. I wish I was still an HHS OIG auditor, I would have him investigated for fraud. He even had the physical therapy people come visit her daily when the other Drs have said she is not a candidate for PT. She is paralyzed on her left side and can not swallow. What is PT going to do for her??? Simply torture her - is all.

The thing that scares me so much is that the MIL did everything you can to keep this from happening to her. She talked to the Drs and told them she did not want to live like this. She told her family that she did not want to live like this. She told the lawyer the same thing. She signed every paper that she was supposed to sign and still this guy is torturing her. I am really frustrated with the whole thing. i want to protect her but can't. I guess nobody can.

WOE issues are causing troubles. I am having real trouble getting enough food in me. When you add in the emotional issues I have been having and the stress, it really gives me fits. but I am trying. I added a blueberry MIM to my menu last night and got myself up in a better range. it is funny - on one hand it is easier to be 'good' when I am at home and on the other it is easier when I am on the road. The routine is better on the road because I tend to eat breakfast of sorts. When I am home, I don't usually eat until i get hungry wich is closer to 10 or 11 and then lunch is closer to 4 and then I don't want to eat at night... I need to start eating in the morning. I know this but I hate to eat in the morning... I will stop whining and just do it. :)

Sure hope to have a better day today :)

(22 comments)

15 August 2011

Good Monday Morning to you all!

It is a beautiful day here. It was about 60 degrees this morning and the sky is blue and the sun is shining! I wanted to sit on the porch or mow the grass or something other than work at my computer. I am praying that this will last until this weekend! Plus, next week I will be in Charlotte NC and I sure hope the weather is wonderful there. I understand it is a great city to visit and I am staying the weekend. Sadly, I will be alone but it is possible that the Dear darling will ride the motocycle up. That would be a great time I think. Can't really afford a vacation this year given that we have incurred large expenses due to his moms stroke. This would be a ecent minivacation I think :) If not, I may get brave enough to venture out alone. Maybe go white water rafting or something like that. Or possibly drive up the Blue Ridge Parkway. I hope to do something fun at least!

The WOE - I had a good and bad Sunday. I stepped on the Wii and had lost 2 pounds. Given that I had only lost 5 pound on the prior Wednesday after an 8 week period of not weighing in, that was a wonderful thing to see. I had been trying to increase my caloric intake and it seemed to have worked!!! Yippee. The bad part was that I forgot to eat. I had some turkey jerky around 11 AM and forgot to eat again until night. I had a few blueberries and a tomato and some Brocolli with cheese and a porkchop. I had concentrated on getting the carbs in but then I saw that I had only eaten about 500 calories for the day!! I knew that was bad but my carbs were right at the limit. I ended up making a cream cheese, heavy cream, and splenda icing to get the calories up some but that caused me to go over on the carbs. it was a total fiasco. So I totally messed up Sunday. I am going to try to look at it from a good standpoint in that I did pay attention to the calories and realized I messed myself up. I just could not eat anything else.

This morning, I brought a porkchop with me and had it for breakfast. Still trying to make that fresh start work :)

Hope everyone has a wonderful day.

(5 comments)

15 August 2011

Weight:	Lost so far:	Still to go:	Diet followed:
83.0 kg	16.8 kg	15.0 kg	Reasonably Well

Add Comment Losing 2.1 kg a Week

12 August 2011

Today is a new day. Trying to start fresh again. I am not ashamed of myself. I have not been cheating or anything like that. I just have not been eating enough of the right things and need to start fresh again to make sure that I am learning how to live with this WOE. While I am not ashamed of myself, I am sad. part of what i love about Atkins is that I don't have to be overly regimented. As long as I know that what I am eating has few net carbs, I don't really have to plan what to eat or think about food all that much. Guess what i loved about this WOE was false.

I think I have learned that the stereotype of a fat person is wrong and that even when I did not think I had a seterotype of a fat person in my head I must have. Those of us who are fat are not necessarily obsessed with food. We don't even like food all that much. We don't want to think about food and that mindless eating is our downfall. It is true that we may not eat as much as our skinny friends - we just eat the wrong things for our bodies because we don't want to really think about food and eat out of necessity, emotion, whatever.

I certainly know that this is not true for all of us. But for me, this is a large part of the problem. Not certain how to fix this. How do you fix your basic nature and something that you really don't want to change?? I don't want to think about food. I have way too many other things to think about. I thought logging everything was a difficult change to make and really more than i wanted to do. I do it because I learned that I needed to be able to look back and see what I really did rather than what I thought I did. So now i log my food obsessively.

Teaching myself to actually think about food is not going to be easy but it looks as if i will have to do it. My preference is to find a menue that will work on the road and at home and just follow it every day. but i know that is not the best way to deal with this. I am one who can eat the same thing everyday but the truth is that I get to where I don't eat. I get to where i prefer not to eat than to eat what I can eat and even don't want things I can't eat. Oh well...

Enough ranting and raving and whining.... I am going to get to it! 29s here I come!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(4 comments)

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