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How is it that a person's mood can go from really good to really bad in less than a 12 hour period??
Had words with my dear Darling last night. I wish that I believed him but I almost never do now. It seems that I am filled with so much doubt about his words and deeds that I find him lying all the time. I think that is really sad. Once a person starts lying, they tend to have to keep it up. I try so hard not to fall into that trap myself. I actually feel sorry for him. he would prefer to lie than tell the truth about just about everything. I can't think of anything he says that is not at least a stretch of the truth. So sad. And he wonders why I question things.... My reaction is to feel bad about the question, feel stupid for trying to believe him and feel used, inadequate, non-valued etc. What a crappy life I have made for myself.
We also got word from my Mother in Law. Soundes as if she will not make it much longer. They are taking her home today and Hospice will evaluate her again. The Sister in Law thinks she may be waiting to go home to die. Apparently she does not know people much anymore. The SIL told the horrible Dr that she was taking her home today and he turned around and left the room - did not come back. he had been trying to force feed MIL who cant swallow and even put potassium in her IV to strengthen her heart when she has a signed DNR and the family has said we want her to die peacefully. He is a true ASS if you want my opinion. Trying to milk medicare for all he can get. I wish I was still an HHS OIG auditor, I would have him investigated for fraud. He even had the physical therapy people come visit her daily when the other Drs have said she is not a candidate for PT. She is paralyzed on her left side and can not swallow. What is PT going to do for her??? Simply torture her - is all.
The thing that scares me so much is that the MIL did everything you can to keep this from happening to her. She talked to the Drs and told them she did not want to live like this. She told her family that she did not want to live like this. She told the lawyer the same thing. She signed every paper that she was supposed to sign and still this guy is torturing her. I am really frustrated with the whole thing. i want to protect her but can't. I guess nobody can.
WOE issues are causing troubles. I am having real trouble getting enough food in me. When you add in the emotional issues I have been having and the stress, it really gives me fits. but I am trying. I added a blueberry MIM to my menu last night and got myself up in a better range. it is funny - on one hand it is easier to be 'good' when I am at home and on the other it is easier when I am on the road. The routine is better on the road because I tend to eat breakfast of sorts. When I am home, I don't usually eat until i get hungry wich is closer to 10 or 11 and then lunch is closer to 4 and then I don't want to eat at night... I need to start eating in the morning. I know this but I hate to eat in the morning... I will stop whining and just do it. :)
Sure hope to have a better day today :)
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1758 kcal
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Fat: 124.08g | Prot: 126.17g | Carbs: 26.20g.
Breakfast: pork chop, Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds) , Heavy Whipping Cream, Coffee (Brewed From Grounds) . Lunch: hot dog no bun. Dinner: Sharp Cheddar Cheese Stick, Ranch Dressing, Cucumber (Peeled) , Lettuce, Beef Steak, Tomatoes. Snacks/Other: Blueberries . more...
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1 to 20 of 22
 Comments
Hey Liz - Just wanted to say, regarding the MIL, some things in this world change us in an instant...and with it we relinquish all control. My own Mom is exactly like your MIL. Having had 2 valve replacement surgeries, she made it abundantly clear - every legal document in order, etc... and yet when she coded in the hospital, they brought her back. Back to a life as a stroke patient. Back to a life she did not want to live. It is very sad. But honestly, all you can do is love them in the moment. Everything else becomes too much. The PT, the Dr.'s, even the Hospice - everyone thinks they have the right approach. I became my Mom's advocate after this stroke - and after basically living on the floor of her hospital room for 4 months, I brought my Mom home to live with me and my family. It's now 3 1/2 years later, 4 more strokes, and an awful lot of stress. But every once in awhile I see a glimmer of the woman I once knew... and I get to hold her each day, tell her how deeply she is loved, and it makes it worth it - to me. She still wishes the Lord would just take her to Heaven. My heart goes out to you, my friend. And to this family. I will continue to be praying for her, and them.
16 Aug 11 by member: jsfantome
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Honey, I am so sorry you have so much stress in your life. Of course you are going to have WOE troubles anytime stress takes over. It's too bad the Dr is treating her like this. Hopefully her wishes will be granted when she goes home. Not too sure I have anything to contribute to your comments about your hubby but for that I am sorry. It's all we can do to recognize we can only he held accountable for how things affect us and not for their actions. This is very difficult coming from a "control freak" like me. Much love.
16 Aug 11 by member: kmartin
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Thank you both. I am going to be fine. I honestly think I have let go of the Dear Darling situation (at least as much as I can) Whatever will be will be. I can't change anything other than myself. And I am really working on changing myself. I even went for a little walk last night and did not end up sobbing unconsolably. I did cry a bit but not as much as normal. I walked around my hay field and communed with nature. it was a beautiful evening and I ended up sitting on the dirt a while and just looked around. I texted a friend and just sat there until it was dark. Overall, i think I did OK.
Paula, I did not realize that it had been so long with your Mom. Can I tell you that it makes me admire and love you even more?? Thank you for telling me all that. I can't help but wonder what we can do to keep this type of thing from happening to us. But then again, I do believe things happen for a reason and maybe this is something that I need to learn from. or that someone else needs to learn from. who knows. I just know that I am tired. The emotions are simply too raw for me. My guess is that I am reacting this way because of the fear I have of losing my Grandmother. She is 92 and I know it is a matter of time. But I can't say more about that.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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As for your husband, and the first paragraph... You need to re-read that! YOU are not responsible in this world for anyone else, but you...even a husband. You have NOT made a crappy life for yourself! And you are not to blame for his inability to mature. I understand how painful watching and experiencing the unraveling of this relationship is...right before your very eyes. Trust - becomes elusive. And without it, you feel like it's all broken. And how in the world do you fix this when the other person seems to be operating in the dysfunction. I have not been overly vocal about my marriage issues... but I went thru challenges of my own, and even with the strongest of faith, got to my own breaking point. I am not a proponent of divorce. I made every attempt over a 20 year period - to change my 'friend' into my 'husband'. I just couldn't do it. And I didn't come first to him in his world. And that hurt me. He didn't cherish me. And that hurt me. He didn't desire me. And that hurt me. It was like having a roommate. And I was constantly sad, and felt I was stuck in a miserable situation and just did not know what to do. Long story short... we worked through it. Probably all things I had said 100 times before, but something about the conviction of my efforts, left my husband fully aware I was totally serious. I took my mom to my sister's. Sent the kids living at home away to friends... and packed my husband's belongings. All of them. And moved him out into a place of his own. I changed the locks on the house. And he came home to an envelope taped to the door. In it were the keys and address of his apartment, and an invitation to meet me publicly to discuss this - if he wanted. It was a huge financial investment to do all of this... but in the end... it was worth it. He needed to make a choice. For him. I had made my choice. I wanted a Godly marriage. I wanted a whole marriage. I didn't want to just be 'best friends' with no real connection on a deeper level ... we were so accustomed to our daily habits, and lifestyle... I was a Mom, ... He was just the guy that lived in the house. Well, not anymore! There were some other (serious issues) things that I won't go into... but he chose. And he immediately changed. He started counseling. He addressed each issue head on. He OWNED his stuff, and he wanted our marriage. That has to happen w/ your husband. He has to want this... or it will just be more of the same. Not sure how all of that applies to you... but this is soooooo not about YOU! It's about him. Please know that. And I am here for you anytime you want to chat. I would gladly send you my phone number in a PM if you want. Much Love.
16 Aug 11 by member: jsfantome
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Thanks Paula. I know what you are saying is true. My head knows but my heart still has its feelings. As I said, I am getting better there too. it is still tough. I am trying to prepare for when his mother passes away and he gets some money. I expect he will leave then. Trying to prepare for that day. If not, then maybe he is more committed that I think. I have told him that I will miss him but I will not hesitate to kick him out if I feel I need to.
He seems to be better some days and then he gets back to being hateful for some reason. This time it was because I asked him questions about some expenditures from back in April, May and June. he got mad at me but too bad. It is my money too. Actually it is my money since I am the only one with a paying job. He went to some restaurants and said it was alone but from the amount of the bill he was not alone. So either I am an idiot and overly suspicious or he is lying to me with great ease I might add. I am just trying to move forward with everything. Sadly, it keeps coming back and hitting me in the face. At this point, I am just trying to be over it and let the chips fall wherever they are meant to fall. he is not the type to be a best friend to anyone and certainly not the type to be willing to go to counseling. he is all about himself and I am just over worrying about it. I am trying to turn it over to the great marriage Counselor in the Sky and let Him figure it all out. This is way over my pay grade and I have no solution that I find satisfactory. I swore I would not divorce a second time and I will not do it. I swore I would not cheat on him and I will not. If he does these things, then it is on him not me. I am just trying to live through this and let him make his decisions... As i said, it will all work out as it is supposed to.
And yes - please PM me with your number. i will send you mine as well. I have another friend here that I talk to often and it helps so much to know that she is there for me whenever i need her and that she feels able to text me whenever she needs me. You guys know much more about me than anyone who lives near or works with me. I find you more valuable that you know.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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The one thing I know for sure... is that I know practically nothing! Nothing about how to make it all better...having been there, lived that, and thought I would just emotionally roll up and wither! But life does indeed go on, my friend. And sometimes, it does work out. Sometimes it is our own mis-trust. And sometimes your instincts will be DEAD ON! That's the crappy part. Nothing perfect about crap! And when your knee deep in it...some days all you can do is muster the strength to keep wading through it! Love you much!!! will send it to you now. Anytime... Much Love.
16 Aug 11 by member: jsfantome
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Thanks Paula. I can say pne this for certain - I am wading through. I will not curl up and wither away over this. I've been there before and i will not go back. This is one thing that I believe I do know for certain.... :) Note that I said believe - have to qualify everything I say on this topic :)
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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This is why this is such a safehaven for all that belong to FS. Our issues are so much bigger than food. I think it is how we deal with our lives in general that may create our problems with food. What a huge piece of yourselves you have shared, and I can't help to think that it helps in our recovery of learning to care for ourselves once again. Much love!! Heather
16 Aug 11 by member: thersmith
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It is a journey Heather. I think there are many of us hear who have understood that we are needing to change ourselves for the better - not just our weight. it is about self worth, self value, self esteem, self control - just about any 'self' thing you can think of. This journal is my way of staying sane. And getting support. And just working though my issues. I am very blessed to have made some very good friends here that I cherish.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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reading this has hit me hard... tears are filling my eyes. this hits so close to home, i can hardly stand it. so sad, so confused, so lonely - *sigh*
16 Aug 11 by member: sophie99
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Please don't be sad and never feel lonley. None of us here are alone. it is amazing to me how complete strangers can know exactly what I am going through and help me whatever my problem is. It is amazing to me how people that I have never seen can be in my thoughts and prayers. I am so concerned about people that I have never seen. It is really strange for me. Not something I can explain to anyone. I can't help but wonder how others explain this 'group'.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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Lol, the "group" made me giggle, because I don't know how to explain it either. It is a true wonder what we all do here everyday. Sophie use this chance to seek solice and help, I bet for all the people that have responed to this, there are at least 20 or 30 more that are just reading and lurking out there too. These things we write and talk about helps others to see and to guide. Often the more invoved, the better you feel, the better you feel, the better you become.
16 Aug 11 by member: thersmith
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Oh, Sophie - my arms are wrapped around your heart right now! Wish we could all just live next door to each other...but you can always reach out here and have the ears of your friends to help. We love you!
16 Aug 11 by member: jsfantome
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Hope you don't mind I stumbled on your journal through mutual friends commenting. I myself do not have a lot of exerience in this kind of situation you are with your husband but I did watch my mom go through it. I have read all the comments, and your responses and I know you do not want to go through a divorce and I know you have said you turned it over to God but you need to do what is right for you. Do you trust your husband 100%? It doesn't sound like it and if there is no trust there is no relationship - sorry may sound harsh but it is true. You said yourself "What a crappy life I have made for myself." you are not at all 100% to blame for this BUT you do have the option to do what is right for you, your mental health and your well being - you either need to leave, or work things out and by the sounds of things you are trying to work things out - I think its great BUT I also think you need to put it into perspective sometimes things that are broke can't be fixed. Especially if your darling doesn't feel he needs to fix anything. You know relationships go both ways and are a give and take and you sound like you are giving and he is taking but he is not giving back. I am really sorry you are going through this whole thing, and that you MIL is sick on top of it I am sure is not making things much easier BUT be true to yourself, you said you wont cheat and you haven't, you said you won't leave and you haven't if things fall apart and he leaves know that you tried your best, if he doesn't leave than I think you need to tell him straight up this is what you feel, and this is what needs to be done to fix it. Building back trust is hard, and takes a very long time but it can be done. Also know that you as a person are a lot stronger than you think you are - it is sometimes amazing how strong we really are internally when we have to be.
16 Aug 11 by member: pixidaisy
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I havent been reading your journals so i dont know whats going on with you and your husband but i'm sorry. Trust is number 1 in almost any relationship. That must be crazy tough dealing with that. On top of your MIL issues! I can't even imagine. They really do seem they are milking medicare its just plain awful. I have no advice as i've never had to deal with that. You are strong for having to deal with this and i hope things turn for the better soon.
16 Aug 11 by member: Ninjapanda
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Thanks guys. I am glad you stumbled into my mess :) I appreciate your wisdom and support. I use this journal as a way to express myself and my feelings no matter how raw they are. For me, this is an outlet and a sanity keeper. If I held back, it would be the same as holding back from my self.
Believe it or not, it is getting better than it was. I am moving forward with or without the DD. I am willing to trust him and deal with the exagerations but he has to earn me back. I don't know if he actually cheated on me or not. At this point, I am not sure I care. All I want is the good relationship that I deserve. I will have it if it is only with myself. I guess it is bad of me but i am using this time to work on me. He can use it to work on himself or not - that is his choice. I am going to come out of this hole as a stronger woman with a self love that i have never had before. That is my promise to myself and I am going to keep it. I will be stronger on the inside, healthier on the inside and the outside and worthy of getting what I want. I am honestly not sure how I am going to get there but I am committed. Sometimes I think i am 'commitable' but whatever.... I plan to learn to enjoy this life.
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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I can tell you this, you are already worthy of what you want - even if you don't feel like you are. Self love is one of the hardest things to attain, but also the most rewarding - It has taken me years to learn this honestly and I still struggle with it almost daily.
16 Aug 11 by member: pixidaisy
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Thanks Pixi... I actually feel as if I am on the right path... Somedays it is farther from my reach than others :)
16 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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wow...I too just read through the journal and responses. Honestly if nothing else Liz and Paula, know that you're helping a single mom in her mid twenties heh :) The past week or so I've made jokes that no man makes it more than 4 to 6 months with me (with the exception of Chloe's father but that's a LONG story). Reading this, reminds me that I don't need a warning sign I just refuse to put up with b#llsh!t or feel trapped, like you must feel Liz. I wish you nothing but happiness and the absolute best for you. Divorce is expensive and more expensive it seems for the person filing and I know its not as easy as a boyfriend/girlfriend break up ...but why let yourself be stressed out by this man? I'm sure you two loved each other once but I've yet to see one positive post about him. I'm sure you do have your flaws too, I get that but lying, no matter how petty is LYING. I don't lie to my friends & I expect the truth out of them and your partner is suppose to not only be your lover but your friend. Doesn't sound like you two even wanna be in the same space. There is nothing worse than being in bed with someone and feeling totally alone. You know you need to get out...forget about what others may think or this or that...what is going to make you the happiest? I'd start figuring out a way to separate assets, accounts...etc... "A minute of sadness is a minute of lost happiness" Take care and best of luck to you! ((HUGS))
16 Aug 11 by member: NoChubbyMom
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:) Strange as it might sound - my dear darling does not have a paying job. He works around the 'ranch' and I have a paying job. He works very hard. DOn't think that no job is equal to no work. But I bought the 'ranch' and I bought all the assets. His name is not on any of them. Given that I currently pay for everything, it would not be a problem if he was not around. To be honest, I would be much better off financially without him. Also, I tried to protect myself by having the major assets in my name and my mothers name. If worst came to worst, I don't think he could take my ranch.
I am not in the marriage because of money. I am here because his being around makes me happy. Not going to lie and say that HE makes me happy because quite often he does not. But his being around does make me happy and he does keep me interested. he has ADD and is constantly changing the subject or whatever he is doing. He is a social butterfly and is constantly finding new things to do and new people to talk with. i am not that outgoing. I am friendly but I prefer to be with someone than to be alone. I hate to do things by myself and with the exception of you guys, I really have no friends who are female. Women have always done me wrong in the past and I just don't make girlfriends easily. I am not someone who has ever been asked out on a date really so the idea of this marriage ending is overwhelming for me. In many ways. I am a 48 yo woman after all.
I am trying very hard to do what is best for me. I am trying to grow and learn etc. At some point, I expect he will leave or i will get enough and throw him out. But until then, I am trying to grow within myself and give this every chance that I can. To be completely honest, I am not yet strong enough to say "NO MORE". I believe that I will be some day if he does not do it first. But i am not someone whithout hope. He can change if he wants to do so. I am fine with that outcome as well. I try not to dewll on this subject too much but i really appreciate the comments I get when I do talk about it. They help me know that I am not overly crazy and not alone. Thanks
17 Aug 11 by member: esimnons
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esimnons's Weight History
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