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Contrast and comparison is a basic exercise we all learn in writing class, and I have been looking back a little ways to the old me to the new improved and improving me. Big, big time contrast. I decided to make my journals public, and while I do try to focus on diet and food, the battle against depression is such a big part of my life I am compelled to share it. Anyway, take a look at this entry I posted on my blog a year ago March (edited for brevity):
"Having a really bad time lately. Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me. I can't get a job, I have lost all of my worldly belongings; it appears that I have few options.
I break into tears at the drop of a hat. I feel utterly useless, washed up and uneeded. I have been trying for two years to find a job, any job. Even the fast food joints won't hire me, much less the field that I am actually trained in.
I am hoping that by writing these feelings down that it will help me vent some of the emotions off and allow me to function better. If nothing else it will allow me to get the thoughts out of my head and onto the screen, and maybe it will help the bad dreams decrease.
Anyway ... More to come."
Wow who IS that chick? I sure don't know her, and I damned sure wouldn't want to hang around her, but she was me a year ago. I won't repeat the post here, but if you take a quick look at either of my journals from 22 or 23 March 2011 you readily see the contrast. I was deeply seated in the black hole of depression.
One thing I didn't write about was how much I weighed and how I needed to get with the program. I was holding the issue at arms' length, and I have pretty long arms! It took me 7 months of work to get to where I was ready to take the initiative, I don't think I was far from it but my wonderful clinician deftly steered me closer to the starting gate and handed me the torch.
I hope I never, ever meet that girl again! And that's no foolin' on this April first! One day at a time.
Peace.
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1346 kcal
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Fat: 24.33g | Prot: 78.53g | Carbs: 223.33g.
Breakfast: banana, Crunchy Granola Bars - Cinnamon, half and half, coffee. Lunch: green grapes, Mesquite Smoked Turkey Breast, Lite Swiss Cheese, Kraft Light Mayo, Flatout Multi Grain Wrap. Dinner: Pepper or Hot Sauce, Uncle Bens Whole Grain Rice, Green Snap Beans (No Salt Added, Solids and Liquids, Canned), red beans. Snacks/Other: Weight Watchers Ice Cream Bars - Giant Chocolate Fudge, Nectarine, crunchy granola bar oat, Chobani Nonfat Vanilla Yogurt. more...
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3581 kcal
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Exercise:
Exercise machine (slow) - 5 minutes, Conditioning exercise (health club) - 30 minutes, Walking (exercise) - 5.5/kph - 25 minutes, Sleeping - 8 hours, Resting - 13 hours and 45 minutes, Housework - 1 hour, Stretching (yoga) - 15 minutes. more...
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